Even
by lucawindmover
Summary: Sticks and stones might break your bones but words are everlasting. Rated M for language and sexual situations.
1. Chapter 1

"Even"

Lucawindmover

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><p>John Murphy slumped against the cold metal of the Ark station, face in his hands as he stared out into the darkness. He was by Raven's gate if for no other reason than he was feeling masochistic tonight. It wasn't as if he'd been looking for her because he hadn't been. And it wasn't as if he really wanted to talk to her because he didn't<strong>,<strong> necessarily. He couldn't understand what had prompted him to choose this area of camp to take a time-out other than that it was quiet and free of the glares and muttering he'd become accustomed to.

Two days. It had been two days since she had tried to offer him up to the Grounders instead of Finn. Two days since that silent trek through the forest, back to Camp Jaha after their ridiculous attempt to save the condemned. Two days since Finn had died and Raven had lost her shit.

He honestly had no desire to talk to the bitch. Yet here he was, camped out in her section of the gate, knowing she would happen by at some point. She'd been the only person from their group who hadn't been party to trying to hang him. She hadn't turned him in to Kane and Abby when she'd had the chance. They weren't friends by any stretch of the imagination. But he'd had reason to think she was alright. At least by comparison to the rest of the people he knew. And how wrong he had been in that conclusion.

Her footsteps were distinct, thanks to the brace on her leg, and he could hear her coming from a mile away. But he didn't turn to face her, choosing to keep staring forward with his elbows propped on his knees and his hands under his chin.

"Murphy," she called as she neared. "I need to talk to you."

"Save it," he responded as she moved up and stopped a few feet away. "I don't wanna hear it."

"Hear what?"

He shrugged and leaned his head back against the metal wall. "Whatever bullshit apology you scraped together," he said, and then in a mocking voice, "_I'm sorry. I didn't have a choice. It was you or him. _Fucking bullshit is what it is."

He turned his eyes a little, taking in her stance. She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her hip to the side and while he hadn't known her long, he knew that stance meant trouble. "I didn't come over here to give you a damn apology," she seethed. "I don't owe you anything."

"And why's that? Because I shot you?"

"Hell _yes_ because you shot me," she spat, her voice getting hot. "What, you think you can feed me some kind of sad sob story and make me forget that you put a bullet in my spine?"

Murphy snickered and turned his head toward her, making eye contact for the first time in days. Two days. But who was counting? "So you were just gonna let them kill me? Torture me to death?"

Raven raised an eyebrow and shrugged one shoulder, her face unreadable.

"Un-fucking-believable," he muttered, shaking his head.

"And why is it so unbelievable, huh?" she said with a gesture toward him. "When you were almost hanged, you came back and killed some of the instigators. _Killed_ them. How is what I did so much worse?"

"You know what, it's not," Murphy answered. "Congratulations. You're just like me now. That's gotta sting."

Raven looked as if she'd just been slapped, as if it had just occurred to her that she'd played dirty, that she'd done something that he would do. Murphy had expected this to feel like a victory, pulling her down off her high horse. But it didn't. It didn't feel like much of anything.

"It's not fair," she said finally, shaking her head. "You're alive and he's dead. That's not fair. And now I have to see you every fucking day. A damn walking, talking reminder that_ Finn_ is dead." Her voice was cracking by the end and Murphy felt his jaw clench.

"You blame me for that, don't you? Like somehow I could've stopped him. Like I could've ripped that gun out of his hands or talked some sense into him or some shit. I don't think you get it. Finn lost his _fucking_ mind over Clarke. You're blaming the wrong goddamn person."

"You think I _don't_ blame Clarke?"

"I think you don't blame_ Finn_," Murphy said, noticing that she couldn't keep his eye contact any more. "You want to blame _me_ for not stopping him or _Clarke_ for doing the deed but it's Finn's fault. It's Finn's damn fault he died and you don't want to blame him because you _loved _him."

Her cheeks were damp. He could see that wetness glistening in the dark, reflecting the lights from the Ark and from the perimeter of the camp. And he was pissed but he could feel his own eyes hot with moisture and he wasn't sure who those tears were for. He turned away from her and leaned his head back again, blinking up at a sky full of stars.

Raven limped forward and surprised the hell out of him by taking a seat beside him. She dashed her hands over her cheeks before dropping them into her lap, her bad leg stretched out in front of her.

"You're right," she said.

He didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

Eventually she sighed. "So now what?" she asked. "You gonna come find me in the night and suffocate me for wanting to turn you over?"

He shrugged. "I thought about it."

"Why haven't you?"

He turned to look at her but she was gazing off into the night, much the same way he'd been doing before she showed up. "Because if I wanted to make you suffer for that, I figured killing you wouldn't be the way to do it."

She pulled her eyes away from the parameter and met his in the dark. "It wouldn't?"

"Nope," he said. "It would put you out of your misery. Your _life_ is suffering right now. If you thought coming over here and stirring shit up with me would somehow make me want to end that for you, you're wrong."

"You're an asshole."

"I been called worse."

"Like what?" she sneered. "Murderer?"

He sighed and pushed himself to his feet, dusting his hands on the front of his jeans. "Yeah," he said, thinking about his mother's final words to him before she died. "Like murderer."

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><p>AN: Special thanks to Marina Black1. Our mutual love of Murphy brought this scene to life. Check out her story "Walking Through Fire" if you're a fan of good storytelling and Murphy.


	2. Chapter 2

"Even"

Lucawindmover

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><p>Raven kept telling herself that she didn't know what she was doing as she stalked through the darkened hallways of Alpha station. Every so often she was illuminated by a pool of artificial light, the low glow of the emergency bulbs being the only thing between her and complete darkness. But in reality, she knew exactly where she was going. So what if she'd only done this one other time in her life. She hadn't been too messed up over her previous one-time fling. Whether or not it had been a mistake was still up for debate, but the fallout had never come either way.<p>

But she knew, without the shadow of a doubt, that _this_ would be a mistake. She'd known it since the idea to seek Murphy out had first struck her. And since then that urge had burned at the edges of her mind, refusing to be ignored.

She hadn't seen much of him in the last week, not since the night she'd called him a murderer and he'd abruptly left her alone at her gate. From then on, he always seemed to be wherever she wasn't. He didn't eat when she did anymore, he never drew her gate for guard duty, he didn't swing by the mechanic's workshop that she and Wick had set up. The few times she'd caught a glimpse of him, had been in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the camp during the day.

Why had she even been keeping tabs on him? She didn't know why she cared. Maybe it was that sad sob story after all, or the way his eyes had welled up when he accused her of misplaced blame, or the hurt in his voice as he'd stormed off that night. Maybe she hadn't wanted to believe he had a heart underneath his gruff exterior. Maybe if she could believe him to be the cold-blooded killer everyone said he was, she wouldn't have to feel guilty for almost giving him to the Grounders instead of Finn.

Maybe. What was with all the fucking maybes?

Raven slowed as she closed in on the room she knew held his bunk. This was the room that Murphy and Bellamy had once shared with Finn, however briefly. She shook the thought of Finn from her mind; she hadn't limped all this way to be side-lined by thoughts of the dead. Raven had been mourning him every waking moment of every single day since his death and was determined to take this half an hour off knowing that she'd be right back to it the moment this was all glanced down both sides of the hallway, checking again that she wouldn't be seen. This section of the Ark wasn't in good shape so there weren't many occupants. She was in the clear. And she happened to know that Bellamy was properly occupied this evening, shivering next to the East gate, on watch for at least another three or four hours.

The door was jammed perpetually half-open and she slipped through a little more quietly than she'd expected. Her brace was always clinking and clattering, causing it to be really hard for her to sneak anywhere. Not that she was necessarily sneaking. Or maybe she was. She was still trying to tell herself that she didn't know what she was doing here. But she knew. She _knew_ and she hated it but she needed it and she wasn't in the habit of denying herself the things that she wanted.

"Murphy," she said, her voice cutting through the silence like a knife. She didn't need to shout for the sound to carry and it had the desired effect.

Murphy jerked awake hard and slammed his forehead into the low bunk above him. "Goddamn it! What the…" he trailed off as his eyes took in her figure just inside the doorway. "Raven?"

"Congratulations, genius," she snarked, taking a few steps closer to him.

Murphy let out a heavy breath and leaned back on his elbows. "I thought you were fucking Grounders," he replied, reaching one hand up to rub his forehead.

"The Grounders call you Murphy?" She asked with an eyebrow raised. She leaned down and started unbuckling her brace.

He ignored her question and rubbed the sleep from his eyes instead. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

Raven laid her brace to the side and then sat on the floor, untying the laces on her boots and moving them out of her way. "What's it look like?"

She glanced up to see him shake his head, his brow furrowed. "If I had_ any_ idea I wouldn't have asked."

The question remained unanswered as she shucked her socks and then used the edge of the bed to pull herself back up to her feet. Her jacket was next, adding to the growing pile of clothes. It wasn't until she pulled her shirt over her head that she was interrupted.

Murphy scooted back toward the head of his bed, eyes wide and brows drawn. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She shrugged as she unbuttoned her pants and let them slip to the floor. "I'm taking care of something," she answered, swallowing hard and willing her nerve not to leave her now.

"Are you expecting_ me_ to help you with that?" he asked. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood, putting several steps between them.

"You turning me down?" she responded, propping her hands on her hips and holding her breath, eternally thankful that he couldn't hear how her heart was pounding, waiting for his answer.

Murphy reached up and slid his fingers through his hair. "Why me?" he questioned, throwing his hands out wide.

"Why not?"

He laughed and turned, rubbing his face with both hands.

Raven swallowed hard. He was going to say no. He was going to laugh in her face, push her out half-naked, and tell the whole camp that she'd propositioned him. She'd really expected this to work. But he had said he wanted her to suffer. Damn him if this was included in that sentence.

Murphy dropped his hands and finally looked at her, really looked. She could feel his eyes raking over her chest, her toned belly, her shaking thighs. She clenched her hands into fists and raised her chin, daring him to comment.

He didn't. She saw the switch flip in his eyes seconds before the repercussions. With no other warning he crossed those few steps and crushed his lips into hers.

She hardly had time to react as rough hands gripped the back of her neck, holding her face to his. She kissed him back, brutally, fingers grabbing the hair on the back of his head until he groaned in either pain or pleasure, she wasn't sure. His tongue invaded her mouth, tasting and teasing, sending zings of pleasure down her spine as she angled her hips into his and pressed forward.

This time they groaned in unison, breaking the kiss and gasping for air. Her eyes met his in the darkness and she couldn't read them.

"What the actual _fuck _are we doing here?" he rasped, fingers still tight on the back of her neck.

Her eyes dipped down to his mouth and she couldn't pull them away. Why the hell did he have to be a good kisser? She hadn't expected that. "If I have to _tell_ you, this might be more work than I bargained for."

He took a deep breath through his nose, jaw clenching. She gripped his hair tightly again and he growled at her before releasing her neck and grabbing the bottom of his shirt. She moved her arms out of the way, attacking his belt buckle while he divested himself of the two shirts he was wearing.

But before she could get the button of his pants open, he grabbed her wrists, effectively stopping her.

"Why are you doing this, Raven?" he asked, his voice rough with undisguised need.

She could feel herself trembling and hoped it was just the cold of the Ark. She looked up from where his hands gripped her. Without the light, his eyes were as dark as hers, boring into her and waiting for an answer. "Damn Murphy," she answered, her own voice nearly as husky as his. "Didn't take you for a talker."

He shook his head in frustration and she leaned up on her toes, ignoring how her bad leg protested the movement. He didn't fight it when her lips met his but he didn't let go of her wrists either. Some of the urgency had left him and this kiss was softer, despite her nips at his bottom lip and the way his naked torso pressed closer to her. Raven's heart was pounding in her ears and she felt her stomach bottom out. He was supposed to be a means to an end, an easy lay, a half hour of distraction from the world that was currently crumbling around her. But she suddenly felt as if he were pulling her heart up through her mouth and she broke the kiss, angry tears in her eyes. She didn't want him to see them but he was still gripping her wrists and she had nowhere to flee.

"You're using me. I get that," he said breathlessly and she refused to look up, setting her lips in a firm line. "But why me? You could have any guy in this place."

Raven cleared her throat. "The why doesn't matter."

"I shot you and then you almost got me killed," he said, dropping one of her wrists and jerking her chin up so she had to look at him. "You don't think there's a conflict of interest here?"

Raven narrowed her eyes, using her newly free hand to grip him through the front of his pants. "Are you gonna fuck me or not?"

Whatever self-control Murphy had been exercising to this point vanished. His mouth came crashing back down on hers. This kiss was more forceful than those before it and Raven realized that it was because the choice had been made. Whatever deliberations were going on in his head before had ceased and he was giving himself over. She'd pushed him across the line and they were both going down in flames now.

He let go of her other wrist and his fingers were at once tangled in her hair as he kissed his way across her jaw toward her ear. She was frozen for a moment, forgetting what she'd wanted her hands for as his hot mouth explored the side of her throat. Her hands clenched and then it came to her and she was trying to remember how to make her fingers work as she fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans. She pushed them over his hips and they pooled around his feet just in time for her to realize they had a slight problem.

Murphy had fallen asleep with his boots still on. He seemed to realize this at the same time that she did and sighed, trying to toe them off without having to actually untie them. In the process, he put a little too much weight on Raven's shoulder and her leg buckled, sending them both crashing to the ground.

"Goddamn it Murphy," Raven grumbled as he pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed.

"You okay?" he asked by way of apology.

She didn't answer and instead scooted herself in front of him and pulled his boots and socks and pants off without a word. Once she was finished, she looked up at him to see that god-awful smirk on his face. That look was almost enough to make her want to walk away but before she could comment on it, he reached forward and grabbed her under her arms, seating her in his lap.

Raven wrapped her good leg around him but couldn't get her left leg to cooperate. She hadn't thought about this, how her injury would affect her ability to have sex. Murphy ran his calloused hand beneath her thigh and moved her leg for her, tucking it around him with such gentleness that Raven felt her breath catch in her throat.

And then the smirk was back and Raven glared at him. He laughed like he knew exactly the effect that expression had on her and cupped the back of her head, bringing her mouth back to his. Raven reached behind her and unclasped her bra. She slipped the fabric off her shoulders and dropped it on the floor behind them.

Murphy's mouth was immediately inspecting the newly uncovered flesh before him. He angled her backwards a little to keep her head from hitting the top bunk, his arms steadying her as he dipped his tongue out to taste one of the hardened nipples that had been presented to him. Raven bit both of her lips to keep from giving him the satisfaction of hearing her moan but she couldn't deny the heat pooling between her thighs as he pulled that nipple into his mouth.

She raked her fingers through his hair, trailing her nails across his scalp and then down the back of his neck. She could hear and feel the groan that this earned her, the vibrations rumbling through her as he nuzzled her breast. When he bit down on her lightly, she couldn't help her gasp, nor the way her nails dug into his shoulders, nearly breaking the skin.

He hissed and his mouth broke contact with her. "Damn, Raven," he gasped, his eyes meeting hers in the darkness. "You trying to draw blood or something?"

She licked her lips. "And if I am?"

Murphy pulled her a little closer, his lip brushing her nipple againas he spoke. "Then you're gonna have to try harder."

Raven was a mess of warring sensations as his fingers tightened on her back and his mouth taunted and tasted every inch he could reach. Out of sheer desperation for friction, she rolled her hips and felt his erection grind against that bundle of nerves and just like that, she sawstars.

The arms holding her up were suddenly trembling and Raven realized the power she held over him. She bucked against him one more time and it was all he could take. With an expletive mumbled into her skin, he gripped her under her arms again and pushed her off his lap, standing her back on her feet.

Raven took the opportunity to watch with breathless anticipation as Murphy removed his boxers and moved back into the pillows. He left her plenty of room to join him. For one quick instant, she wondered if this is where it would get awkward, lying naked next to one another in his bed, knowing what was coming.

But there wasn't time for that. The moment her back hit the bed, he was on her, hips pushing her knees apart as his mouth devoured hers once more.

She had expected him to just get it over with now. Surely they were both ready. But he surprised her, kissing her deeply, one hand tangled in her hair while the other trailed down her body, exploring her.

And then he was teasing her, fingers dancing around where she wanted them most. She broke the kiss, panting and glaring. "I swear to god if you make me fucking beg for it, I'll—"

Her words were cut off by two rough fingers giving her exactly what she wanted and she saw that smirk of his again just before her eyes rolled back in her head. Her fingers clenched on the blanket beneath them and she was annoyed by how her hips bucked toward his hand involuntarily. She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth only to realize she didn't want her own lip. Letting go of the blanket, she grabbed his face and brought his mouth back down to hers. He didn't fight it, growling lowly as she sucked on his bottom lip.

She hadn't meant to bite him, not really. But when his thumb pressed against her clit she couldn't help it, teeth sinking into the flesh of his lip hard enough that she tasted copper.

"Fuck, Raven," he exclaimed, pulling back. The hand on the back of her neck was suddenly at his mouth, fingertips coming back red.

"You said if I was out for blood to try harder," she said, one eyebrow raised. The licked her lips and grinned. "Be careful what you ask for."

His eyes were hot with lust as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. She sat forward on her elbows, kissing his chin, the underside of his jaw, coming back around to his mouth. She was gentle, more so than she really meant to be, placing soft little apologies over the love-bite on his lip. He sighed and pressed his forehead to hers. Raven felt like her throat was closing up as his nose nuzzled against her cheek. His breath was shaky as he pulled his hand from between her legs and pressed her back against the bed.

By sharp contrast to the gentleness he'd just shown, he pushed into her in one hard stroke, his hips meeting hers so quickly that her breath was the second or third thrust, she'd caught his rhythm and was meeting him, beat for beat. This was what she was here for and the pressure and friction were unparalleled as his pacecontinued to increase.

And then the hands that had been gripping the pillow behind her head slid under her neck and she could feel his fingers wrap around the front of her throat. She swallowed hard, a feeling that was constricted as his thumbs pressed her flesh a little tighter.

Raven met his eyes and she felt her stomach drop at the conflict she saw there.

"Is this the part where you kill me?" she asked, putting on her brave face as she waited for an answer.

Murphy pressed himself into her as deeply as he could, gripping her neck tighter for a second before letting it go. He leaned forward and pressed his check to hers. "I'm not the monster you think I am," he whispered.

"But you _are _a monster," she replied, closing her eyes.

"We're all monsters."

"That's bullshit."

"It's not," he said, letting his lip trail along the edge of her ear. "It's true. I've seen yours and you've seen mine. Lucky for us, they seem to like each other."

And as he bit down hard on the soft flesh below her ear, Raven could feel herself unraveling. Her hips bucked wildly against his. When one of his hands slipped between them and rolled her clit between his fingers, she was gone, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over her as she wrapped her good leg around his back and squeezed him tight. He finished right behind her, obscenities mumbled into her neck as her finger nails raked trails across his back.

They were frozen in this moment in time, each afraid to break the spell that they'd woven. Raven knew he could hear her heart hammering in her chest, as surely as she could hear how shaky his breathing was.

But she wasn't here to cuddle. She was entirely satiated now and desperate to get away. Murphy must have felt her stiffen because he rolled off of her without a word, letting her up.

She sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the edge tightly as her eyes searched for her clothes. The realization that the door was still half open made her flush and she sincerely hoped no one had happened by to hear them going at it. They hadn't exactly been quiet.

Murphy moved behind her, slipping out of bed around her and gathering her things. He tossed her clothes on the bed next to her so she didn't have to reach and went about getting his own pants back on.

Pants. Raven had just finished getting her shirt back on when she remembered. She had been so single-minded in her resolve to do this that she'd forgotten. Her leg didn't usually cooperate when she was putting her pants back on. Both Abby and Wick had stumbled upon her struggling several times. Abby had helped. Wick had tried before she batted him away.

And now she was sitting on the edge of Murphy's bed, half-dressed, holding the offending garment in her hands and staring daggers.

She jerked to awareness as Murphy knelt in front of her, taking the pants out of her hands. Without a word, he helped get her foot in the right place. He stood and wrapped his arm under her shoulder, taking the weight while she jerked the jeans up over her hips. He reached over and tossed her brace to her before searching out where he'd dropped his shirts before.

Raven felt the knot in her throat tightening as she fastened the brace. She had to get out of here, and quick. She slid her feet into her boots without bothering to tie them and then pushed herself up on shaking legs. She knew she'd be lucky to make it back to her own bed at this point but she was determined.

"So what now?" Murphy asked as he threw himself back in his bunk.

"Now nothing," she answered as she got to the door. With a deep breath, she turned her head, eyes meeting his across the room.

"Just like that," he said, tucking his hands behind his head. "We're nothing?"

She shook her head. "We're not nothing," she said. "We're even."


End file.
